Expectations – Am I at Fault?

first_imgI was born to a middle class family; “family” for me has always been the values that I imbibed from the people around me. My family comprised of my great grandmother (late), grandfather (late), grandmother (late), my parents, my aunts and my brother alongwith other distant relatives and many helps around. Our living was totally dependent on agricultural outputs and with so many people to feed; it was obviously difficult to run a family. Each one of us had different needs and wants but we had sufficient to eat healthy and serve many others who visited us either for medical help or earning a livelihood. We were content as we had shelter, food and clothes. We lived a very happy life despite the few difficulties. I have grown seeing my Dadu (late grandfather), his attitude towards life, though he used to spend most of his times at our ancestral village and take care of agriculture but he was always available on weekends for his family. Both my brother and me with all our cousins had spent the best childhood listening to the stories recited by our Mama (great grandmother on her cot resting on her arms where we all could find ample space to fit in, especially five of us), treat that my Dadu offered from his small savings for us, halwa prepared by my Mai. It was so much fun I would always wait for the holidays when my cousins used to visit us, was very eager to do their holiday home work as I was always keen on what are they learning in Delhi schools (most of them lived in Delhi). We used to be very eager to meet our cousins and waited so anxiously, delicacies were prepared on their arrival day as the most important person i.e. our Fufaji’s also accompanied them. That was the day when my mother used to prepare delicious spread and it was made in small quantities as we had scarcity of funds but there was love and it was a way of welcoming. The moment our cousins arrived we used to have pillow fight, discussions, teasing each other and how time flew we could not even realised. On the day of their departure we were left with heavy heart but there was always a looking forward for their next visit. We were always together in almost every festivals, I loved the Holi, Diwali, Dussehra, Marriages and especially the summer holidays. We used to accommodate in whatever resources we had, it was so much fun sleeping together with all the gaddas lined on the terrace with mosquito nets. We used to play games dumb charades, antakshari and games that our cousins introduced to us, we used to fight also but that sleep was the best. We would wake up early to the rising sun and wait for other cousins to get up and then our fun used to spread the entire day.I would learn a lot from them and was very close to everyone, days passed and I was always in awe of the life that my cousins lived, whenever I visited them I was so much inspired by them, I saw them having discussions with their parents and wanted the same. But I never had discussions with my father, maybe because he never initiated or maybe I could never count on him. I always wanted to read books like one of my best cousin (one whom I was very close and still she is the one I miss always, I could talk to her whatever non sense and she always supported me, though we had an age gap of 4 years) but did not had the environment at home. My youngest Aunt was an avid reader but I always found her reading Mills and Boon and used to sneak and manage to read a few pages on my way to exchange it to her friend and neighbour. I always wanted to discuss with her, she sometimes cleared my doubts but when she had her lows she would say go and ask your parents. My mother was a graduate, but she was not much into studies, despite her shortcomings she made all her effort so that my brother and I must not compromise our studies. She also had heated discussions with my father at times regarding his attention towards our studies, that very day he used to sit with us but after that he always sounded so busy and was busy playing cards with relatives who used to stay at our place (much hated by my Dadu as he could also sense my desire of my father involved in my studies) or attending wedding in other towns or visiting different cities to find groom for our aunts or having unending discussion with my grandmother. I would be wrong to say he didn’t gave us quality time, he was always there for us if ever we wanted to play videogame or eat my favourite egg roll which was a luxury (his savings) as we didn’t wanted to waste money. Travelling to our mausi nani’s place was our outings on weekend where we used to be pampered and it was an off day for my mummy from the daily chores. My Dadu always insisted on my mother’s visit to my mausi nani’s place as he always gave one liners caring sentences for his dutiful and only daughter-in-law.It all went very well for many years and then all my aunts were married, we also grew up and started with our higher education. One day I very well recall my Dadu saying my father to carry forward and start on and that he will take some rest. My Dadu nick named me food tiger as he adored my eating habit as I used to arrange my every meal in plate as some scenery with right proportions and enjoyed my meal (whatever spread it was as simple as daal roti chokha karela). My brother and I always hanged with our Dadu and I served him all meals and tea twice a day. I so much miss him today and writing this piece of memory of his is wetting my eyes. I wish he could spend time with my children today he would be so happy to play with them. Though I was fortunate that my Mai (who passed last year) did spend some time with my children and that my children do remember her as Badi Nani and miss her every time they visit their grandparents place in Patna.I finished my graduation and now was the time to go out of Patna (which I so much wanted) and then I was allowed to go to Delhi and prepare for CAT and pursue MBA (path which was safe as my elder most cousin did the same and it was in trend and was safe for girls, being safety as the foremost priority). So I came to Delhi and lived in Kamala Nagar and prepared at IMS for six months and cleared the exams and took admission in Amity Business School (factors considered were safety as it was close to all my Bua’s place, it was in Delhi and the fees was also affordable and it had a brand value) so after all consultations among my family members I started studying there. I lived in a very protective environment and coming out of my comfort zone was challenging and coping with the so called “Delhi wala crowd” was not an easy task but I was always into studies as I had this deep desire to prove to the world that my parent’s daughter can achieve something. And I always wanted to stand to my mother’s expectations to work and be independent. It was recession and it was getting very difficult to earn a placement (the reason for doing MBA) but I managed to get a decent one but could not share it with my Dadu as I always wanted to gift him a watch from my first earning. Then after working as a management trainee for four months I quit my job and followed my dreams (which were always instilled in my mind by my mother that for a working wife and dutiful mother it was always better to be in academics as a Professor). It was 2010 when my parents started thinking of my marriage and it was the first proposal offered by a neighbour. It was approved by my parents after discussion with my relatives. But after the demise of my Dadu things began to change and there was this commotion going on in my mind and heart and so I went ahead and discussed with my relatives. But it didn’t get well with them may be I could not communicate with them properly. But I only initiated, as they were the ones whose approval really mattered to me and I was in big dilemma over marriage. My courtship period was four months and I had my dreams, my fantasies, my expectations (grown up watching romantic movies in cinema hall with my buas, image built in my mind by my mother, my ideals who were my uncles living in Delhi), expectations that my new would be family made me imagine. I had beautiful experience with my partner but at times he used to shout at me (it didn’t go well with me as most of the times I could not understand why it was so, I used to feel worthless, I wanted someone to discuss but could not find any help). To understand this new relationship better I tried to spend most of my weekends with him so that I could take a decision but as times passed there was anxiety, sleepless nights I always wanted someone to listen to me but seeing the excitement of my parents I just couldn’t. Then as the marriage dates neared there was lots of commotion inside and outside me. Till the day I was getting married I wanted someone to hold me to whom I wanted to share my feeling and the person who was most close to me distanced from me, she didn’t had time to attend my wedding but had all the time to go for a short vacation with other cousins just prior to my marriage, I just could not take it in. She turned just one day prior to my wedding and then discussing this had no point as rituals were going on. But my mind and my heart were not synchronizing, there was this fear which I could not think whether it was a normal fear or I was stressing out.There was some heated arguments back home on my wedding day something related to accommodation which I was not there so could not get the version, it was the version shared by my brother. But things turned bad from that very day there was drift in my family and I could sense that at my wedding reception which was never what I expected from my close and dear ones.(to be continued………..)last_img read more